I Don't Feel Like Pursuing God. What Now?

       I follow my feelings too much. No, this is not an "emotions are bad and you should never act on them" christian blog post; God created and uses emotions and to outright deny the usefulness of deep, heart-rending emotion is foolish and short-sighted. My problem is that I all too regularly bounce from circumstantial, experiential feeling to circumstantial, experiential feeling and simply don't possess a neutral state of obedience and discipline. A very clear prayer came to my mind when I started thinking through this:

       "God, thank You for not acting on Your feelings."

       Consider Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane on the eve of his crucifixion. Matthew records that His soul was "very sorrowful, even to death," and Luke notes that Jesus was in such agony that He literally was sweating blood, a condition known as hematidrosis. Christ knew exactly what the coming hours held for Him, and in a desperate plea, He prayed "Father, if You are willing, remove this cup from me." Of course He goes on to say "Nevertheless, not My will, but Yours, be done," which is where many teachers and writers camp, rightfully highlighting Christ's faithfulness and submission. I have always found myself struck by the first half of this request; that Jesus Christ, God Himself, seems to be asking for a plan B.

       Jesus, being the God and creator of the universe, did not feel like being arrested, beaten, humiliated, tortured, nailed to a piece of wood and murdered. If He had acted on His desire to opt out and had decided to find a different way to pay the debt of humanity's sin, could one really blame Him?

       Thankfully, we do not worship a God like that.

       We worship a God who is utterly uncompromising. We worship a God who, in perfect communal harmony with Himself, wove His thread of redemption through the tapestry of human history before the very foundations of time were laid. We worship a God who is patient and strong enough to see that plan through in the exact fashion that He planned it. We worship a God who acts according to His promises, not His feelings, justifiable and holy as they are.

       This highlights the fact that experiential feelings and desires simply do not validate themselves. If God Himself decided to not act on the things He was feeling at certain points in history, how much more should we strive to put our feelings below what we know we ought to do? *

       And now we're back to my problem: I follow my feelings too much. So often I simply don't feel like reading the scriptures. I don't feel like praying, I don't feel like handling this situation like Christ would, I don't feel like being loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle or disciplined. I'm always encouraged, at the very least, by my "desire for desire." You know, how you "want to want to?" It tells me that, at the core of my being, I yearn for unity with my Lord, but so often I let my flesh drag me back down to the slums of self-indulgence.

       It is a great help, then, to look to Christ. There we see the Man who was tempted and tried but persevered through His dying breath, even as legions of angels waited upon His command to vanquish His murderers. As with every struggle, simply looking to Christ provides all the perspective that one could need, and through observing and following Him, we may come to start living and acting as we were made to.


       * If you're troubled by the idea of God desiring something that He should not do, consider the circumstance of an engaged man desiring sex with his bride-to-be. This is a normal, healthy desire that is not sinful in any way, but if the man acts on this desire, that is where sin comes in. This is an imperfect illustration because I don't think God would desire something that, if acted upon, would be sinful, but I think you get the point.